Re-enactment

MACC (Malaysian Assassination Commission Club) got a stuntman to re-enact the alleged suicide. See more here.

Well, this damn sure gave the police some good ideas. Just at the right time too. They are busy investigating the allegedly Anwar sextapes. And guess what? They just found the gal. In order to get into the re-enactment business, the police has decided to try out "suitable" stuntman.

I can imagine what a re-enactment record could be like...

Re-Enactment Report
This is to check the authenticity of the sex tape. Ala MACC which asked a stuntman to jump out of the window to see if it was suicide or murder, PDRM has concluded this significant forensics test.

The female test subject, aka the alleged Chinese Prostitute (here-in after referred to as "PRC") was asked to corporate with the Police. Due to unforeseen circumstances, a number of stuntmen were required.

Stuntmen 1 (Code Name: Lingam)
The stuntman entered the set, and was busy talking on the phone. He was also gesturing wildly. For two hours, he ignored the very sexy PRC. PRC tried to seduce the stuntman to no avail. The stuntmen kept repeating "Correct Correct Correct", but the PRC appears to be confused by it all.

PRC got bored and started to video tape the stuntman talking on her phone. Test was immediately halted as it is too close to life of a not-too-long-ago concluded RCI. Just before leaving the set, the stuntman told the PRC "It will look like me, sound like me, but it will not be me."

Stuntmen 2 (Code Name: Saiful)
Stuntmen entered the set, PRC was not happy. PRC noted some semen was on the stuntman's clothes, and ass. PRC got stuntmen to shower. After that, stuntmen was trying to sell his ass to the PRC instead of having sex with the PRC.

PRC declined and stuntmen started to make offers to the cameramen and other crew. Re-enactment aborted.

Stuntmen 3 (Code Name: Jib)
Stuntmen was initially unable to get a erection. PRC tried hard. PRC nearly gave up. Then, the crew decided to excite the stuntman with the sight of some money. Stuntmen got real excited when he saw the money. He got an instant hard-on.

Just as things started to go as plan, someone tried to sneak into the set with C4 explosives. Re-enactment aborted.

Stuntmen 4 (Code Name: @Yo-rais)
Stuntmen entered the room. Saw PRC. PRC tried to make first move. Stuntmen then made a request - PRC must be dressed as a maid.

Stuntmen 5 (Code Name: CSL)
Stuntmen entered the room with PRC. Initially, stuntmen was not able to perform. Had to hide camera. Then, stuntmen performed extremely well, given his age.

Re-enactment is not conclusive. Stuntmen did not follow script. Too much oral sex.

However, before he left the set, he disclosed his secret...." I take Semi-Velu Viagra. Very potent and better than the usual Viagra. It's just like his political career. Once up, never down!"

Stuntmen 6 (Code Name: Semi-Velu)
Stuntmen entered room. Smiled at PRC. Started to make some promises to PRC, about improving estate life and etc. Suddenly, he wanted to collect money from the PRC. Says the PRC must pay toll. Otherwise, an act of god might happen.

Next...

Stuntmen 7 (Code Name: M)
Stuntmen entered room with a cynical smile. PRC smiles back. Stuntmen keeps his cynical smile. Nothing much happened. Stuntmen lupa his script. Then, lupa what he has to do. Also lupa .... He laments, "Melayu Mudah Lupa" before conjuring a biography and starts reading.

Next...

Stuntmen 8 (Code Name: Man on the Street)
Enters room. Mutters prayers. Starts scolding "You fellows have nothing to do is it?" Never seen someone fuck before? The economy is in shit. Inflation is sky high, mat rempits and snatch thieves every where. And you all are obsessed with a sex tape."

IGP walks in and punches stuntman on the eye.

**Censored**

To Investigate Further

There is a couple of points to clarify. Firstly, there is a need to check if the male actor in the porn movie was indeed circumcised.

Next, the alleged male actor will be subjected to a male (Sai-ful) and female (PRC) specimen in the same room. It is very doubtful if the alleged actor is gay, straight or both. This must be investigated in full.

On an unrelated note
Another re-enactment that we all love to hate: Get half a football team to fuck Saiful in the ass. Checks if he can goes three days without showering or shitting.

Why am I labelled a Chinese?

I get very sore every damn time a form ask me for race. Chinese, Indian, Malays are the options available, but no Malaysian.

Let me ask the authorities this, why the fuck are they calling me a Chinese?

Your Grandfather Came from China

Really ah? How the fuck to you want to prove my grandfather or my great grandfather came from China? You have a record of his boarding pass? Oh... you don't. Then? You know the date he arrived in Malaya? Oh, you don't. So, why the fuck do you say my ancestors came from China?

Who is my grandfather?
My paternal grandfather died when my Dad was still a kid. So, let's say I never knew him. The closest I ever get to him is his grave during Cheng Meng - which was two weeks ago. But I don't think that counts. At least I know his name.

Great grandfather? Sorry - no idea who he is. No photo, no name. Even the grave has long collapse. I am unsure if my Dad got to meet him. Back in those days, health care was poor and life expectancy was short. Then, the Japanese occupation destroyed any remaining paperwork.

Since I cannot trace further than my grandparents (paternal), how come some jokers call me Chinese for something that my great grandparents allegedly did (arriving from China)?

For the record, my paternal grandpa was born in Malaya, grandma in Indonesia now resting in peace in Melbourne. Maternal grandparents were born in Malaya and still well and alive in Perak.

My point is, even I am unclear of my family tree, how can the government call me a Chinese? As I have stated, my paternal grandmother was born in Indonesia. Serumpun.

Other doubts
And how the fuck do they want to prove that I am really Chinese, even if my great grandparents were from China? I mean, one of them could have married a local. Or had an affair with a local. Mind you, it was damn common to have more than one wife... even till today.

More than that, someone in my family could have been adopted. How do you know no one adopted a native, or a Malay kid?

And also, if Mahathir who is half Bangla is a bumiputera, how about me? I started even earlier ler.... my grandmother is from Indon. :P

It's not to say that I do not care about my background, but back then there were no records. My maternal grandparents never registered for their marriage but have been together since Japanese ruled Malaya. That's why it is not registered - the British were defeated and it was war time. No rules for adoption either.

Skin Colour
This is about as dumb as it gets. If someone wants to classify me by skin colour, it's got to be stupid.

If I stay in Melbourne winter for three months, then come back - what? Call me a PRC?
If I stay in the sun for two days? Malay?
Two months - Bangla?

Kind of stupid right? And clearly it does not work either. In any case, I can get more Fair and Lovely for my ass.

Present Day Facts
I present some interesting facts (not rumours, not hearsay, not circumstantial)

1. I speak English. Write in English. My Chinese is limited to my name, and shouting words related to the male and female anatomy referenced to mothers, fathers and grandparents.
2. If that classifies me as speaking proficiently in Chinese, I am equally proficient in Tamil. Hey - I grew up in a tough environment. One has to learn the essentials of a language.
3. My Malay is heaps better than my Chinese and Tamil.
4. I do NOT remit any money to China or India.
5. I have NO family relations in China, unless you count the massage lady from PRC.
6. I have no clue where my alleged ancestors came from in China. No idea which village, or state.
7. I eat more satay, tosai, nasi lemak than bah ku teh.
8. I prefer to bonk Malay and Indon girls compared to PRCs. Hahaha.
9. I rather vote for PAS than MCA, any time.
10. I cannot stand the sight of rude PRCs, regardless of how rich or sexy they are.

So, again - why am I Chinese? I am a Malaysian. I dare not even say I am a Buddhist. Taoist, closer. But don't ask me to name the deities or rituals. No clue.

This is the reality for most Malaysians. And that's is what being a Malaysian in all about. Gone were the days you could label a guy Chinese. Those Ah Pek that sent money home (in China) monthly, have relations in China, even die also want to be buried in China.- they are all long gone. That was a long ago era. The tin mines, no Facebook, no HIV, no cars. Fuck... in today's world, I even need an effing visa to get into China.

I really hope some lawyers will take the Government to the High Court to prove someone is Chinese or India, or whatever. It is time to wake up and realize this is 2011. More than 50 years after Merdeka. It's no longer 1811.

+ sign banned

We are eagerly awaiting for the + sign to be banned. In fact, the students are praying for the + sign to be banned. This would be that mathematics might not be a subject for them to study. In the mean time, Muslim students are allowed to skip sums which requires addition.

For example:
1+5 = "Sorry. I cannot answer this question as it is against my religion."

To replace the + sign with something more "Malaysian", some has suggested it be called Jib, in honour of the PM.

Question:
Class, what's 2 Jib 3?

Answer from student:
1

Teacher:
Why 1? How can 2 Jib 3 be one? Isn't it suppose to be 5?

Student:
Suppose to be 5, but Jib pocketed 4 maaah.

Are You Married?

This is a situation, with a twist. Recently, I met up with a faraway (geographically) relative, and she asked me:

Aunt: Are you married?
Me: Nope
Aunt: Oh good. I have a god-daughter to introduce to you. She is very beautiful, works for a bank at a managerial level. She's from Johor, but travels to KL often.

Me: ...

What goes on in my mind:

Wow. Didn't know my aunt was so open minded. I said I am not married wor. I did not indicate I am single and available. I could have two girlfriends now and three fuckbuddies (FUBU). And she already wants to introduce a girl to me. Not bad at all.

Hmmm. Is she really that hot and pretty? Wonder if the girl is open minded too. Or does she need a FUBU in KL? I would gladly know her. I mean, single girls have their needs too - in a sexual way. So, better me than some other guys right?

Aunt: So, you interested in meeting her?
Me: Of course.... :)

When I told H about it, she had a good laugh.

On The Way

This is another answer that gets me.

Question: Where are you?
Answer: On the way.
Next question: Would that be one leg out of bed, naked in the shower, or 1km from the office?

Again, it is clear enough. "Where" refers to a location. "On the way" refers to an action. So, how could the answer gel with the question? And frankly, I don't care if you are on the way or not. On the way can mean anything from "One leg out of the bed while french-kissing your wife/gf/bf" to "Just outside the office opening the door to enter the office".

Surely, that's a great difference. So, please respect each other's time. I can understand the occasional traffic jam due to accidents, floods, etc. Then again, if I could get there on time - why can't you question comes to mind.

This reminds me. I went for a meeting in Ipoh. I had a meeting in KL, picked up a buddy, then drove to Ipoh. Had a quick lunch and was at the venue spot on. One lady from Ipoh, was 15 minutes late. It was to meet the end client (not that lady!) for a million ringgit contract. Bugger.

That lady got it big time from my buddy. Serves her right. If her boss was not there, we would have went ahead without her. I would have done that. After all, she isn't a lady with a killer body and seductive smile. If one has those qualities, I would say it is OK. Why? Because the end-client would be dying to see her, and making the client wait would have been smart. More "kan-cheong" (exciting) right?

Picking up a girl

I met with a long time friend, who's now in Singapore. She was visiting Ipoh - so, I picked her up from the bus station. Not familiar with Ipoh, I needed to find out exactly where she alighted from the bus. Apparently, it was on the main road, near the bus stop at Gopeng.

Question: Hi L. Can you see McD from where you are at?
Answer: Ha? You want me to walk there? It's far.

This is the part that goes in my mind ... what the fuck. My question was clear enough. Could you see McD. I said nothing about walking. This is the kind of stupidity that really turns me off. She's a smart gal and works as a auditor. CPA and all. But yet, the kind of answers that I get - is like some 6 years-old kids. Heck, most of the time, 6 years-old kids give better answers.

Sometimes we wonder - why can't people just answer the question. And I cannot help but to think - do I do that too? Must be careful in the future.

In any case, I picked her up - took her for food. Ended up in her hotel and on bed with her. No la. Just sitting on the bed only. Nothing more. OK - we watched Astro. No mood for anything romantic already. Hahaha.

Went out for dinner and had some great food at a restaurant (Public Seafood). All for only RM 70. I think that's very reasonable given the food that was ordered and it was a fair bit for just the two of us. What do I miss? The dinner lor.

Naughty B2B Massage in SS2

I was in Aman Suria the other day. As I was half asleep, I made a couple of wrong turns on ended up on LDP during rush hour. Real shit. So, I decided to check out a place in TTDI. No bloody point sitting in a jam.

Went to TTDI, the place is opposite a school. No idea what's the name of the place. I left the navigation to my GPS. As they say, leave things to the expert. My GPS understands me - it leaves the girls to me. Hahaha. Anyway - this place in TTDI - no girls at all. They are expecting a raid. Oh - Bolehland.

So, off I went to Dave Service Centre above OK. Went in there, and well - the China ladies are back in China. Only Thais and one Indon. The Indon was sexy too! Took a B2B massage with a very sexy Thai girl. She has a nice and solid pair of assets.

She started the massage off - the normal massage. Her massage was good. It's really strong, but without pain. Ah - just the way I like it. Then, she proceeded to the B2B massage. Usually, it would be oil as lubricant for the lady's body to slide on mine. But this girl, it was very different. She used a lot of powder instead. I would say, that's really creative. Powder is less messy compared to oil. Easy to wash off too. And the effect - just as good, if not better. Oh, how I miss her powdered boobs. After some time, it ended up with me giving her boobs a massage. Hahaha. Have to be fair maah. I treat ladies well too. :P Cost - RM 188. BTW - I liked her service, not rushed, and not money-faced. She didn't even ask for a tip (although I gave her).

Well, according to the government of Bolehland, that's better than reading a Bible. The Bible is most unfortunately listed as a prohibited reading material by the Home Ministry. OK lor...what to do, I go for my massage la.

Poco Poco Banned

The poco-poco dance has been banned. Refer to article at:

http://www.bernama.com/bernama/v5/newsindex.php?id=575453

One cannot help but to think, what else would this imaginary Bolehland ban? Here are few suggestions:

Alphabet 't'
The small letter 't' resembles the cross, which is in reference to Christianity. As such, this letter will be banned. However, the government of Bolehland is rational and understanding. Capital letter 'T' will still be allowed.

't' shall be replaced with 'T" aT all Times. We musT never use the small leTTer 't' again as it mighT cause The counTry To be corrupTed. Any publicaTions wiTh The small leTTer 't' will now require permission from the Home MinisTry and musT be sTampped wiTh The words "For ChrisTians only".

Cross Roads
All road junctions must now be upgraded and changed - from the cross roads to a round-about. Cross-roads resemble the cross, which is referenced to Christianity. More than that, cars travelling on the cross-roads would inadvertantly form the 't'. A big no no. Just be like Shah Alam - use big round-abouts instead of cross-roads.


Projects to convert (no pun intended) cross-roads to round-abouts will be carried out by direct negoTiaTion insTead of a Tender process. This is to immediately stop the corruption of young minds but to fuel corruption of the rich and powerful.

Road intersecting other roads at 90 degrees would also be banned.

Cross Road Signs As and when the cross roads are converted to round-abouts, the cross-road signs must be replaced with the proper round-about signs.


For cross signs that are not replaced, the cross sign must be remounted 45 degrees clock wise. This is to make the cross road signs appear "X" rather than "t".

A similar rulling applies to the Red Cross. Otherwise, the words "For Christians Only" will be printed in bold next to the cross signs.

Come to think of it, if all the cross-roads are reserved for Christians Only.... heck, I would be a baptized by tomorrow morning. Imagine - no jam. That's really God sent.

Arms Wide Opened

In my humble opinion, this is the most serious. Not only it resembles the cross, it resembles how Jesus was crucified. Absolute horror. (to non-Christians, how could we be linked to another religion. For Christians, imagine the pain and sacrifice made by Jesus).




Now - what to do with non-Christians having their arms wide open is a big question. Possible ideas include:

• Charging them in a religious court
• Asking them to bend their heads back too
• Off with their heads
• Tie a string between waist and arm. This string will be the mechanical limiter, preventing innocent and unsuspecting non-Christians from spreading their arms wide open.

However, there is no limit on girls (or guys) spreading their legs wide open. Actually, guys and girls are encouraged to spread their legs - as that will never resemble the cross. I am all supportive of this one.

Unrelated News

However, the screening of porn recordings would still be allowed, so long the following rules are adhered to:

1. Producers must be a Dato' / Datuk / Datuk Seri / Tan Sri / Tun
2. Main actor / actress must resemble a member of DAP, PAS or PKR
3. Screening must be done in Carcosa Sri Negara

For those who are unfortunate to appear in such porn movies, please contact Lingam. He will make a good lawyer for such cases.