Financial Jokes

Got these from the internet. Very funny, given the current finanial situation.

One of these days, I'm going to borrow enough money to get completely out of debt

I've determined that this financial downturn is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets but I still have my wife.

The stock market may be terrible, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every couple of hours and cried.

Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.

An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.

A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' ‘Simple,' said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.'

The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now Britain's fourth biggest lender.

Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A; The pizza can still feed a family of four.

Q: What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?
A: Would you like fries with that sir?

Q: What is the capital of Iceland?
A: About $3.50

I tried to get cash from the ATM today but it said “insufficient funds.” I don't know if that meant them or me.

Mark Twain was ahead of the curve: “October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”

Mind Boggling

I am very amused. Australia has a policy to grant permanent residence (PR) status to professionals or to people with skills in need. In the news today, a group is lobbying for sex workers to be recognized for migration to Australia.

As an engineer, I was once granted PR for skilled migration - engineer. To qualify, one must have accredited engineering degree, etc etc. Which leads me to the question - how exactly will Immigrations Australia 'qualify' sex workers.

Firstly, I would be sure interested to be an immigration officer to assess sex workers. I am sure that could be a darn fun job. Would there be a section on oral examination? What would be the most polite way to say "Please bend over. Immigrations would like to screw you?". Don't they (governments) do that often enough already? :P Or bonus points be given to applicants with pole dancing skills? Or is that a separate skill set all together? How about tricks like putting on a condom without using hands? Or perhaps "Please demonstrate all positions ...". Hmmm. And what if they are into S&M? The mind boggles.

How does the applicant acquire accreditation? From a professional body (no pun intended)? Or from client references? Client satisfaction survey? Is more experience better or less experience better? How much 'training' would be required? Would there be a age limit?

Assuming that the applicants have a clean bill of health, inspectors / officers might still have a few worries. Imagine, what if one day, he is not up to expectations? Or unable to perform? Would he go "Hey Dick, mind standing in for this one? I am a little exhausted." What if they are married men? "Sorry honey, not tonight. We were really short of manpower at work." How would repetitive stress injury be address? Will WorkCover caution "Enter with care"? Or "Remember to change positions every five minutes". Or Unions demanding "better work conditions" (refuse to perform unless beer is provided on the job) ? Worst of all, what if the inspector sees a candidate that he doesn't want to assess? Will that affect his bonus or promotion at the end of the year?

How about perks for the job? Unlimited supply of Viagra? Free access to gyms (they do need to stay fit to be up to the job)? Free porn? Or will training be provided for the job? Subsidized dildos for wife / spouse / girlfriend(s) ?

There is also an element of abuse. What if the officer enjoys his work too much? For example, he may find it very enjoyable to examine a candidate. To ensure follow up action, he fails the candidate and orders a re-sit. That would be gross violation of authority. So, will someone suggest the examination be carried out by two examiners at any time? Kinky. Or will it be " for quality assurance purposes, please note that your call / act will be recorded for monitoring purposes"? Reminds me of calling Commonwealth Bank.

Looks like there is still alot of probing to be done on this issue. And don't get me started on gays, lesbians, gigolos... After all, one must not discriminate.

Funny pics

Here's a list of my favourite funny pics. Some taken from various websites and I do acknowledge them.

I am in full agreement to squeeze boobs. It would be fun for both and yes, it could save a life!

We will never look at the letter 'A' in the same light again.

Anyone interested in completing this picture with me?

This accurately sums my feelings every morning when I have to get to work.

Instead of just pressing the boobs, we should go for all three - together. Hmm. I don't think my hands alone can do the job. Guess I will have to use my tongue, somewhere!

Now, it is funny...

Looking back, it is sure funny now. However, when it happens, it could have been a murder case. Then again, the I am sure the judge would understand.

When I was in Germany, one of the Director's Personal Assistants (PA) called me. Bad enough I received the call on my personal phone, which meant that I had to pay for the call. The conversation when something like this:

Caller: Hello. Is this Wally?
Me: Yes, speaking.
Caller: I am Cindy. Donny is looking for a NotSure agreement.
Me: I am sorry, but I am in Germany now. Could you ask Pound?
Caller: Are you sure you are in Germany?

What the... am I sure I am in Germany? Of course I am. How can I be not sure? Could I have landed in the wrong country? Or accidentally walked to France? I wonder what was she thinking about.

Today, I asked M about a vendor. It's a new vendor for a brand new task.

Me: Who did the translation for this advert?
M: Oh, the usual vendors.

Who the heck exactly are the 'usual vendor'? This is our first time doing translation work on an advertisement. You know what? When I pointed this out to her, very gently, she got upset at me, for asking for specifics. What the ...

M has already resigned from QQQ. At this point, I told her that I wish her new boss all the best.

Another staff, N, is equally slow.

Me: When will you complete your task?
N: I started yesterday.

What the ... I asked when will she complete it, and she answers "started yesterday". Sadly, N has yet to resign. Think I must help her update her resume or something like that.

Terrible colleagues I have. Most of them are conspiring to drive each other up the wall, or out of the window. But it is worth a laugh now.

Election Jokes

In the spirit of the coming General Elections in Malaysia (8th March 2008), here are the lighter side of things!

While walking down the street one day a Malaysian Boleh (Malaysia Can Do Spirit) Minister is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Yang Berhormat (Honorable Minister).

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in the finest batik there is. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most expensive food there is.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it' s time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the Yang Berhormat joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Yang Berhormat reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think Ai yam better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Yang Berhormat. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning just like you during an election...... Today you voted.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Yet another joke. Entirely fictitious. Any similarities to an actual person is pure coincidence.

• Get Najib, Mongol Missing
• Get judges, truth missing
• Get Khir Toyo, temples missing
• Get Lingam, tapes and memory missing
• Get Samy, saham missing
• Get Nazri, truth missing
• Get Khairy, samseng missing
• Get Hishamudin, hang tuah kris missing
• Get Soi Lek, viagra missing
• Get Ka Ting, do nothing
• Get Badawi, he's sleeping

Undi Dacing Dapat Cacing