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Monday 1 April 2013

The SOPs for Negotiations

Perhaps some of us have seen the little documentary by Global Witness. Yet another Alvin has been exposed on 'film'. This time, of course, it is Alvin Chong. We have no clue if what he said is true, or if it is just an act. 

However, it is very important, to get the SOPs right. In Malaysia, nobody seems to want to follow Standard Operating Procedures. We want to cut corners. We want to "act smart" or be boastful. "See, I do not have to follow rules". That's seems to be on most of our minds. 

So, what exactly is the SOP? I learn this years ago, in Thailand. Over there, the Thais, seem to have some SOP. Especially to important matters like negotiating a "not too legal" deal. 

The SOP is as follows:
  1. Select a spa. Prefer places which prohibits firearms. (This is, after all, Thailand).
  2. Get some pretty gals.
  3. Talk business in the spa. With the pretty gals. 
Why? Firstly, the girls are just for eye-candy. More on this later. They won't understand much English, so - whatever eff you are discussing, it will be safe.

But item 3 is the all important. To be in the spa (sauna or a pool of water), one has to be naked. Or half naked. This means no hidden cameras, weapons or whatever else the other party might do to "leverage" on for the negotiations.

The other benefit is, Item 3 again. It is a place with tonnes of water. Electronics will fail. Unless your firearm is water resistant (no, I don't mean your personal pistol), it won't be much use either.  

Even in the event of a water resistant camera - think of all the steam, water bubbles. The image will be no better than a "Anwar-look-alike" porn movie. Plus the noise (better if it is a jacuzzi) - you can always deny if it sounds like you. Mind you, added with the very dim interior lights - only infra-red cameras would work. But those buggers aren't exactly small.

The girls are a distraction. For the untrained negotiator, he would be busy with the girls. Or pay too much attention to the gals. Which is good - if it helps him agree to things faster than he would (when he is using his big head). If that fails, you can try alcohol.

Item 3 also ensure that there isn't any pesky cell phones to disrupt the negotiations.

As I have presented, there are many many benefits to carry out an negotiation in a spa. So, please use this as a SOP. Don't sit on a couch. Don't become the next Lingam. 

Oh. Back to the girls. The Thai bosses won't want too much to do with the gals. If they wanted something intimate, they will choose the girls from the cover girls of the latest magazines. That provides some exclusive fun, getting the 'newest' girls and of course, they can say "She is my minor wife - pretty right?". So yeah - they don't exactly get intimate with the girls in a spa or a bar. Those are unfortunately, for some silly visitors / farangs.