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Sunday 24 February 2013

Next to a place of worship

It was during CNY, and someone commented "You are not a Muslim, of course you won't want to stay next to a mosque". 

What the eff? Firstly, how many of us has done a survey to ask if a Muslim wants to stay next to a mosque. 

Anyway, back to something close to home, I asked him "What makes you think I want to stay next to a temple?". I asked him to drive by a temple during CNY. It's very busy. Crowded. Cars parked everywhere. Full of smoke. More dust. Even more sooth and amber flying around. And I don't mean Amber Chia. 

I know of a few pretty young gals in Jenjarom. Yup - that's where the Fu Guang Shan temple is. (More like a park for money-making then a temple). For 15 days during CNY, the place would be badly jammed, every evening right till 12am or so. It would be a long queue just to turn into Jenjarom. You think those lengluis want to stay near the temple? I don't think so. They complain, openly, till no end. (That's when I offer them to stay in my spare room) We all wonder how on earth was the permit approved to bill such a huge temple sans proper roads or parking. At night, cars would park in front of their gates. The solution? They block their gates with their cars first before others do it to them. 

The only part that makes them less frustrated is, their brothers (and some of the girls too) would be smart enough and hardworking enough to open a small stall near the temple. Drinks, torch lights, handheld lamps - they all make a killing up to a few hundred ringgit per night. 

And schools. Who wants to stay right next to a school. I don't care if it is a Chinese, Malay, Kebangsaan, Tamil, Convent or co-ed school. It's all the same bunch of monkeys, as far as I can remember. I have had people ask me, "But what is wrong staying next to a school". Here's what's wrong - without prejudice to myself and no implication on my school days:
  • In the days without autogates, padlocks were common. Students could take a padlock (which is unlocked and left hanging on the gate) and lock it on another house down the street.
  • Flat tires, scratched cars, bent windscreen wipers - just to name a few.
  • All of a sudden, some bastards would start a rock throwing contest - and someone would end up with broken tiles, windows. The objective can be hit a mango on a tree, but sometimes - students forget there is a house right behind the tree. It's seldom students throw rocks just to damage a window. No fun in that.
  • No end to garbage by the road side.
  • Stuffed banana in exhaust pipe of cars (especially when we - I mean, students, know that the driver is a cute lady).
  • Stolen shoes, sandals, newspapers, mail (the era before email). Usually, it is 'stolen' by transferring them from one house to another house. I mean, how many pair of shoes would we want?
  • Fireworks (This was an all-year affair. Students would purchase and keep fireworks - only to use it when no one expects it. The fun is in the element of surprise).
  • Make a guess what these are for: Fireworks and mosquito coil. 
  • Put a full can of soda under the tyre of a car. Sit and wait.
  • Mud slinging contest. Sometimes, it is a pissing contest. You get the idea.
  • Endless graffiti - and not the very artistic ones. It usually starts with the alphabet 'F'.
  • Very loud and colourful swearing and cursing
  • Randomly turning off the main water valve into the houses.
  • Disturbing dogs; lastik at cats (we - I mean the students never seem to be able to hit those buggers). Don't worry - no pussies were hurt.
  • Hurling textbooks, shoes, underwear, or perhaps the whole school bag into the garden of the bungalow with the meanest looking dog. Usually, that's how we dispose of lost and found items. Actually, just lost - never the found part.
Those were the days without a digital camera. Imagine what would be on our facebook pages. Then again, I never see such posting on facebook. At most, it is just plain bullying. Maybe technology has killed all the fun in growing up.

Gold fish massage, Sunway Mentari

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A good massage in PJ

To be honest, I cannot even remember when I first started to see Siow Hong. That was when her workplace was in USJ 9. To side track: That place in USJ 9 is open again, but the massage is terrible. Unsure if there are extras, but I am not interested. Could be my luck I ended up with a lousy ML.

Then, her workplace (and her) moved to SS2. Now, they have just relocated to SS1. (I think. I only know how to get there).
I liked her massage. No hanky-panky. And she knows exactly where to press harder, where it tickles me and what I enjoy. The end result, I usually end up asleep and I suspect - snoring. When I first went to her, I use to strip naked, which is SOP for most MP. Then, I found out - not this one. She never said anything. 

Somehow, we get 'close' to each other. Sometimes, I would hug her around the waist as we walked upstairs. No, she doesn't make those tantalizing feather touch, or fingernail touches on my body. It's all strictly massage. She does talk to me, but more often that not, my answer is "Cannot understand". Banana. What else can I say?

The other real plus point about her is, she never asks for tips I do tip her RM 20. She is happy. Sometimes, when I do not have change, she tells me it's OK. Don't worry about it. Sometimes, I tease her about introducing her sexy colleagues to me (one of them has a good pair of assets). She would say no. I could go to other massage centres, but at this one - she wants me exclusively. To be honest, I really don't think I want to try other ML. Some of them - would be utter torture. ("Why you never ask for me earlier? Now, let me torture you....poke harder"). I rather the one I know, and I can relax till I snore.

Being CNY, I went out with her for lunch. Just nearby hawker centre - as she was short of time. Mind you, they work every day except CNY and Hari Raya. You got to feel sorry for them. I won't fault the boss, as the ML would also want to earn as much as possible. 

So, for the first time, I saw her out of her 'uniform'. Never knew she had such long and sexy legs. I knew she was slim. And no, let's not complicate things. Keep it as it is. 

What H Does

Do I cheat? Well, I hereby present some facts to you about H.

- She went for a holiday with some friends, male and female.
- It was Thailand.
- After the trip, she came back sore. Sore at the back, sore in front. She had to sleep sideways.
- But she still had that wicked smile when I help her get out of bed in the morning.

So, what do you think?

Hamsap BBBJ at Sunway

It was just after CNY, and a friend of mine wanted a tour of Sunway Mentari. Let's just say it was only for one purpose - a hamsap tour. So, off we went to Sunway Mentari. 

The name of the place is Forbidden City, Sunway Mentari. Don't ask me how to get there - it's bloody complicated and secretive. Mind you - it was still raided a couple of times. I am unsure if it is a "payday" raid or 'wayang' raid. Payday raids - raids organized by the owners to get rid of the girls, when its close to payday for the girls.

Plenty of girls there, it could have been an ASEAN meeting. My friend took a tall Viet gal with big boobs - but I suspect (later he confirmed it), it was enhanced. Some gals were using the double-bra trick. Wear two bras to make it look bigger. I didn't go for a massage - I just sat there. OK, that's a lie. I didn't just sit there. My hands were all over the girls. They were trying hard to seduce me. Or rather get into my wallet. It wasn't expensive - RM 90 (normal rate of RM 80) for an hour of 'massage'. 

His report: First words, not real. I mean, of course la. It's very very seldom you see a slim, tall gal with such big boobs. And, they look too firm. She offered him a FJ - RM 100. Apparently, it was fake moan, and she wasn't really wet. BBBJ was good, but for a short while. I mean, what can we expect? Your gf meh? There was no massage ("oh bugger"). 

Another down side to this place: There is only one or two toilets but tonnes of customers. There would be a queue outside just to wash up before and after the happy-ending. Again, not something I like. Feels like a cow herd and we are being 'milked'. 

One very worrying observation. I saw a few very young guys - could have been students at a nearby college. This is where I did some serious thinking. Why would young guys come to such places? Hey - go learn how to have a relationship. A real and meaningful one. Don't get addicted to plain sex. It's easy and can be nice, but you don't learn too much. Worse still, they might treat their future / current girlfriends like a MP gal. That's terrible. So, for those young guys out there - please go after some pretty, young, sexy chicks in your college. I can understand when some old ah-peks is already with a wife with 5 kids, but again- please don't cheat la. 

I don't like the SOP strip-and-fuck type of action. I prefer mine with lots of passion, foreplay and warm. That's why I didn't go for a 'massage'

The part I enjoyed most: Driving around with no traffic and plenty of parking. Sometimes, it's the simple things in life that we miss. No need some hamsap wife-swapping or sexy fuckbuddies in bed.

Good boss

What exactly is a good boss? Simple. A good boss is one who helps you develop your career and to help all earn a healthy salary.

Does your boss do the following:

  1. Priority is for you to learn, via training, books, hands-on
  2. Find ways to help you work faster, more efficiently. (Asks you, what can he do to make you work more efficiently?)
  3. Place is in order, SOPs and WIs are in place. Everyone knows what to do instead of running around like headless chickens.
  4. Wants place to be excellent, and uses best practices from industry. (Open tender, doesn't sleep with vendors, follows 
  5. Resolves conflicts
  6. Provides clear direction, as oppose to "I think that is what we should do...". And comes tomorrow "But that is not what I meant...." Celaka. 
  7. Asks for input, but he decides.
  8. Makes decision  Some bloody bosses sit on it forever. I hate those.The worst decision is no decision  for a wrong decision can be corrected.
  9. Have a disaster recovery plan. How often do we hear - oh shit, the internet is down. Why not just put a back-up internet line? Especially when we depend on it to make money.
  10. Have a succession plan.
  11. Internally promote staff. Prepare staff (the willing and able ones) for promotion
  12. Able to deal with shit face-to-face. Identify dead-wood, trouble makers and fire them. Yes, why keep bad apples and make the whole place stink?
  13. Have balls. (I don't mean physically. Must be brave enough to act without fear nor favour).
  14. Honest and with integrity.
  15. Yells occasionally but with reason.

I do #1 and #2 very often. Whenever I am free, I would sit (or lie down....now, let's not go what else I was doing while lying down) and think. How can I make it easier for people to work? Do they need a new laptop? Hire a office boy or some clerk? Give them a better phone? Revise procedures and make it less tedious? Get new software to automate process?

Yes, I am guilty of #15 too. I should yell a lot less, but for some fucked up reason, engineers think their reports can be a work of fiction. I yell alot less nowadays - as I use #12. The yelling was when I had zero authority to choose who is in my team, and invariable I get some assholes added to my team.

Am I a good boss? I don't think so. Too much #15 still, and I don't make enough to pay everyone very well.

Bad Boss

Like it or not, there is such a thing as a terrible or horrible boss. Well, this post shall not talk about the obviously bad bosses. The obvious ones are:

  • Sex maniacs, harass staff in the office
  • Provides unsafe workplaces
  • The list goes on, but I am here to talk about the not-obvious ones.
Firstly, what is a bad boss? Here's my take on a bad boss:
  • Doesn't care about improvement of staff. The boss can be the friendliest, most 'caring', nice, gentlemen - but you learn absolutely nothing, do nothing that can be construed as an achievement for your next job interview, no training. On the contrary, some bosses yell at their workers all day long, but at the end of the day, the workers can move on and get a better job. No doubt they yell, but the workers actually learn something. Mind you - if you want a 'nice' boss, someone to talk to - please get a lover or a fuckbuddy. We are talking about your career here.
  • Doesn't pay attention to staff. By this, I mean - the boss will promise a lot, say yes - but alas, doesn't do anything but gently brushes it aside (called "Tai Chi") to 'problems from higher authority", "disasters to handle", "Overlooked", "Overworked". If you cannot handle all "those", please stop being a boss.
  • Very happy and cheerful environment, but the place is a time-bomb. A quick check: Does the place have an updated set of SOP? If someone leaves, what happens? SOPs are for a place to function well, so everyone knows what to do. What if he leaves? Oh please, don't think your 'best boss' will be there forever.
  • Influenced by rumors.
  • Taking sides during fights. For me, I would ask the two idiots to resolve it on their own, failing which, I would expect two resignation letters. Never create a winner. If there is a winner from each fight, there will be more fights. Hey - after all, we are adults. So, please stop the "Mummy, he hit me first" shit in the office. If you are above 18 years old, want to play mummy, I suggest you hire a dominatrix at your own free time for her to spank you. 
  • Does what is popular rather than what is good for the business.
  • Focus on department instead of business or profit for the company.
  • Zero strategy. Keep in mind, a strategy is not the same as planning. The worst are without a plan. Some have a plan, but still no strategy. Example of a strategy: How to finish off the competition in business.
But, why are bad bosses so damaging. I think, they are worse than the obvious-bad-bosses. Why? When they are obviously bad, we will happily move on, get another job. The bad bosses make it fun, enough to keep everyone comfortable. It's like putting a frog in cold water, then light a flame under the pot. (note - no frogs were hurt in this blog). Chances are, it's so comfortable you won't even know you are cooked.

Then comes one fine day - you get fired or decide to leave when you realized your salary isn't going anywhere fast. You are past 35 years old. A cute 22-year-old chick is sexier and is asking for RM 2500 only. You wish to have RM 8000, but you lack the skills. Or with outdated skills. Heck, the 22-year-old might even type faster. This is when real trouble starts. 

Q: "What did you achieve in your previous job?". 
Answer " Ummm....ahhhh..... ummmm, I maintained the UNIX Server". 
Interviewer: " But we are using Windows since 1997. Thank you for your time, we will contact you shortly"

An example of a terrible boss is the character Gil Grissom of CSI Las Vegas. Here's why:
  • Never trained a successor, no succession planning. One fine day, he happily left the entire team in limbo. 
  • Heck, he even left his wife, Sara Sidle. 
  • Having a secret relationship with Sara when he was an immediate superior. He did not disclose this to department either. Sounds familiar? If you must eat and shit, don't do it in the same place.
  • Fails to complete paperwork on time.
  • Friendly and nice to everyone. 
  • Doesn't spend too much time on training for staff. Instead, he usually gives that "How come you don't-know" look.
  • Thinks he is the smartest.
  • Doesn't pay attention when others talk. 
  • No planning, no strategy (caused an intern to be killed). 
  • He was a tai-chi master too, always assigning the shit jobs to his subordinates.
  • But everyone misses him!

Monday 18 February 2013

Bonus time - or the lack of it...

Well, it's the open season again - as far as jobs are concerned. Hunting for new employees, hunting for new jobs. 
Alas, I get the usual complains - bad bonus. Only one month bonus when I did 30% of the sales. Frankly, what do you expect? 6 months? If you were the boss - how much would you give. Not to side bosses, some bosses are just assholes. Employees too. It takes two to tango,.
On one hand, business is bad. Overheads are ever increasing. I know of many businesses suffering. Some cook the books to look good. Others go bust. 
But, please be smart. Here are some tips:
  1. Get rid of your coffee mug / tea cup. Never be seen in the office with it.
  2. Always carry files and folders or a logbook.
  3. Put some thick files on table to give the "very busy" illusion.
  4. Take leave (half days) in the  middle of the week. This gives the illusion you are going for interviews. Hope your boss won't take you for granted.
  5. Create resume for your co-workers, print them - and leave it at the printer. Make sure they do not log who printed it.
  6. Print your own resume, and leave it at the printer, then partially visible on your desk. 
  7. Inject rumours (so-and-so resigning), etc - to the known kepo person of the office. Rumours of so-and-so is dying, having an affair, will be fired by boss, etc. How does his help you? It takes the spot-light away from you - hence no one will notice your mistakes / or too busy to give you more work. The so-and-so is dying isn't a lie. Everyone is dying... it's just that some might take 50 years from today.
  8. At all cost, avoid visiting your boss's office / room. Nothing good can come out of that. 
  9. Stay late - and enjoy the free internet. That's if you think you can get a better bonus. If not, run off at 5.30pm sharp. 
  10. Get a new phone - one with the dumbest features - calls and SMS only. Generally, only very bad news come via the phone - so, why would you torture yourself with the most expensive and efficient torture device? Why check email when you are enjoying a hamsap massage? Doesn't make any sense. Better still, install a ringtone is real soft. 
  11. Get a private phone number. Only for your own use (including or excluding hamsap activities, that would be your call).
  12. Post some Craiglist or Adult Friend Finder entries for the office bitch / bastard. But ensure you cannot be traced. This is to ensure the bitch / bastard is busy answering hamsap calls instead of harassing you.
  13. If you complete work early, write the email early BUT do NOT send it out. Leave it in your laptop. Then, send it out at 10.30pm. Geeks will be able to write a software to send it out at a designated time. If you send it out at 4.30pm, your boss will read it. Reject it. And you end up working till 10pm fixing the 'errors'.
  14. Start your own business. That's a better way to ensure more income.