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Monday 18 February 2013

Bonus time - or the lack of it...

Well, it's the open season again - as far as jobs are concerned. Hunting for new employees, hunting for new jobs. 
Alas, I get the usual complains - bad bonus. Only one month bonus when I did 30% of the sales. Frankly, what do you expect? 6 months? If you were the boss - how much would you give. Not to side bosses, some bosses are just assholes. Employees too. It takes two to tango,.
On one hand, business is bad. Overheads are ever increasing. I know of many businesses suffering. Some cook the books to look good. Others go bust. 
But, please be smart. Here are some tips:
  1. Get rid of your coffee mug / tea cup. Never be seen in the office with it.
  2. Always carry files and folders or a logbook.
  3. Put some thick files on table to give the "very busy" illusion.
  4. Take leave (half days) in the  middle of the week. This gives the illusion you are going for interviews. Hope your boss won't take you for granted.
  5. Create resume for your co-workers, print them - and leave it at the printer. Make sure they do not log who printed it.
  6. Print your own resume, and leave it at the printer, then partially visible on your desk. 
  7. Inject rumours (so-and-so resigning), etc - to the known kepo person of the office. Rumours of so-and-so is dying, having an affair, will be fired by boss, etc. How does his help you? It takes the spot-light away from you - hence no one will notice your mistakes / or too busy to give you more work. The so-and-so is dying isn't a lie. Everyone is dying... it's just that some might take 50 years from today.
  8. At all cost, avoid visiting your boss's office / room. Nothing good can come out of that. 
  9. Stay late - and enjoy the free internet. That's if you think you can get a better bonus. If not, run off at 5.30pm sharp. 
  10. Get a new phone - one with the dumbest features - calls and SMS only. Generally, only very bad news come via the phone - so, why would you torture yourself with the most expensive and efficient torture device? Why check email when you are enjoying a hamsap massage? Doesn't make any sense. Better still, install a ringtone is real soft. 
  11. Get a private phone number. Only for your own use (including or excluding hamsap activities, that would be your call).
  12. Post some Craiglist or Adult Friend Finder entries for the office bitch / bastard. But ensure you cannot be traced. This is to ensure the bitch / bastard is busy answering hamsap calls instead of harassing you.
  13. If you complete work early, write the email early BUT do NOT send it out. Leave it in your laptop. Then, send it out at 10.30pm. Geeks will be able to write a software to send it out at a designated time. If you send it out at 4.30pm, your boss will read it. Reject it. And you end up working till 10pm fixing the 'errors'.
  14. Start your own business. That's a better way to ensure more income.

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